Wonderful Weddings Without Breaking the Bank

For those of us in the northern hemisphere Spring is about to...well...spring, and that means that the biggest wedding season of the year is upon us!

Because we have (only) six daughters, and because four of them have gotten married (three in quick succession), we are often asked for advice regarding wedding planning on a budget.  Most people have a budget for their wedding but 50% of couples report going over their budget.  Typically because they get caught in the "upgrade" trap.

Wedding costs have increased considerably in the last decade, following general trends in consumerism and debt.  In the US the average wedding budget in 2010 was $26,984, while the median annual paycheck was reported as $26,364 for that year.  That means that on the average people in the US are spending more than the equivalent of their annual salary on a wedding.  Many couples and families go into debt to do this.  Taking on debt for a one-time event, no matter how significant, is a bad idea.  This applies to parents paying for their children's weddings as well as couples paying for their own.  It's especially problematic for young couples who have so many additional expenses to come (e.g. honeymoon, schooling, starting a family, buying a home etc.).  If these statistics seem shocking in the American culture they are even more so in India where the average middle-class wedding costs $34,000 (that doesn't even include the dowry).  This same group has an average income of $20 per day so middle-class Indians are spending 6.5 years of income on a single event!

First of all, let's start with a bit of perspective.  When it comes to "once-in-a-lifetime" events, such as funerals and marriages, too many people confuse spending a lot of money with showing a lot of love.  They are not corollaries!  Depending on your family, religious, community, regional, or national culture  there will be expectations and pressures to spend a lot of money in order to be "normal" or as we say in the US to "keep up with the Joneses".  The fear is that if your daughter/family/friends know that you "cut corners" or were too "cheap" you'll be judged as not caring.  Let's be clear about the objective...  

The goal is to:

Have an event that is memorable and special that celebrates what is unique and meaningful in your life or in the life of someone you love

The goal is not to:

Spend more money than you can afford or, even if you have a lot of cash, more than is necessary (that is a foolish way to try to show love or to show off)

Since the goal is to celebrate in a meaningful and memorable way that can and should be done for FAR less than the averages listed above.  In our case we have spent an average of $4,000 - $5,000 on our children's weddings.  We planned ahead and paid for them in cash.  They were all beautiful affairs filled with renewed relationships and marvelous memories (based on the micro-poll I conducted none of our children felt neglected, and all of them felt happy, grateful, and loved on their wedding day).  A nice wedding could be done for much less than that by having an intimate setting with only close family and a few selected friends invited.  However, both Linda and I come from large families (e.g. our children have over 60 first cousins) and we are all gregarious types with lots of friends so we plan for 500 guests at their receptions.

Here are some of the ways we saved money on weddings without making our children feel undervalued-

• Make a budget - I started setting expectations way back when our children were small by saying "when you get married I'll give you $3,000 (that sounded like such a huge sum to them back then) that you can spend any way you want, and if you have any left over you can keep it!".  This left an impression and set expectations in two ways--there will be a limit, and there will be choices to make to stay within the limit.  To this day I have never changed the target amount (inflation ... what's that?), but my wife and I are partners in budgeting so she knows how much "give" there is in our budget.
• Designate a wedding planner - Someone, other than the busy bride, needs to work with the bride to make a plan and then execute it.  Weddings are complicated affairs and missed deadlines add last-minute cost overruns.  The wedding planner is essentially a project manager and in our home that has been my angel wife.  It's more efficient if the wedding planner is also the person with the purse strings so they can give instant feedback and get to decisions more quickly.  Linda works with our children to figure out what they want and what needs to be done by when.  Then she follows through to make things happen.  It is most often the mom, but it could be a grandparent, a friend or a sibling.  In any case it should be someone organized and good at getting things done.
• Make a plan - In business we called this a "program plan" which consisted of several related "project plans" with dependencies on each other.  A good project manager develops a plan by doing the following


• Determine the high-level tasks that go into completing a project we called it a "work-breakdown-structure".  See the list of major expense categories below for an example
• Identify dependencies (e.g. must have engagement photos before printing invitations etc.)
• Decide the priority of the tasks (e.g. what needs to be done in what order)
• Make a schedule with milestones - starting at the end date bake into what tasks must be done by when
• Ask for help - A wonderful wedding takes a community effort.  Find some tasks that can / must be delegated and ask other people for help.  You'll need help with things like preparing and serving food, photography, flower arranging, sewing, decorating, cleaning up etc.  You will be surprised how happy many people you know (and even a lot you don't know) will be to assist in making the day a success.  Most people were raised with a service ethic plus there's something exciting about being a part of such a special occasion, especially for someone you care about.  People can give of themselves and that is often much more meaningful than money or a gift.  You can ask family, friends, neighbors, church members, and others in your community for help.  Make the requests clear and doable.  Some people may have a unique skill (e.g. flower arranging, photography etc.) that might be in frequent demand so be sensitive to everyone's time constraints.  Also be sure to donate your time and talents to other people for their weddings.  I know of a group of women in Austin TX who have formed a formal coop to come together and help each other with their children's weddings.  Remember to keep a list of those who help and have the bride and groom send them a hand-written note of appreciation as well as offering a face-to-face thank you.
• Find non-wedding-specific equivalents - You will quickly find that things cost twice as much as normal when they are specifically for a wedding.  Stationary, flowers, brides-maid's dresses, guest books, and even shoes go up in price when people know they are for a wedding.  Most of those things can be purchased much more cheaply if you find their non-wedding-specific equivalents.
• Ideas to save money by major expense category:
• Photography - Professional photographers can be expensive, but the photos are the only thing that last, so try to find friends or family who are good amateur photographers who would be willing to take photos for the Engagement and Bridal shoots.  You'll typically need at least three different photo shoots--engagement shots, bridals (once the dress is available), and the wedding day itself.  The wedding day can be broken into the photos at and right after the ceremony, other get-togethers (e.g. wedding luncheon etc.), and the reception.  You may want to assign different volunteers to different shoots in order to not create too much of a burden.  Any volunteers should have had experience with portraiture / weddings and have reasonably good photographic equipment.  Outdoor venues are easier to get right than indoor ones.  Because photos are the enduring part of the day you may choose to use a professional only on the wedding day when there's only one chance to get it right.
• Flowers - Ask around to see if you have friends or someone in your network with a florist license who can help you buy flowers wholesale and then either make the bouquets boutonnieres, and flower arrangements yourself or ask for help from an artistic friend.  If you can't get them wholesale try buying flowers in bulk at Costco.  They are fresh and they may even be willing to order flowers for you and reserve them in your name.
• Dress - There are many alternatives to buying an expensive dress.  You can rent high-end dresses for the cost of less-expensive dresses (check out Google).  You can buy the dress off the rack and have it altered rather than ordering it custom.  If you know a wedding is coming and have months to plan you can buy your dress at off-season clearance sales which often happen in January at Wedding Dress Shops.  Our girls dresses have cost in the range of $300 - $700 (very inexpensive for a wedding dress) and they all looked stunning in them. 
• Tuxedos / Bridesmaids Dresses / Other Family Member Clothing - In our cultural tradition the tuxedos/men's attire is paid for by the groom's family but make sure to set expectations early.  By tradition bridesmaids dresses are paid for by the bridesmaids themselves, though the dress is chosen by the bride.  In our case the bride's sisters were often some of the bridesmaids so our family bore that expense as well.  These as well as the mother's dress, flower girls etc. have been most economical when they've been purchased from a department store rather than a Bridal Shop.
• Venue - You can find reception venues that are inexpensive or even free.  For instance, our local library (built in a beautiful historic building) has a ballroom that you can rent for as little as $500 for residents on weekdays.  You may have a friend/family member with a beautiful home/yard who would be willing to let you hold your reception there.  Your church may have a social hall that they will let you use for free or for a nominal fee.  Keep in mind when comparing prices that some expensive sounding venues have package deals that are actually a bargain (e.g. one place we found included the venue, food for 100, invitations for 100, and a cake for $2,100 which was a good deal when compared apples-to-apples).  In free venues like a church social hall you may end up spending a lot of time, money, and stress on decorations which may be included in venues you pay for.
• Day / Time - Weekend evenings are the busiest time for weddings and receptions so venues are priced accordingly (e.g. weekends can be twice the price of weekdays).  Schedule your wedding on weekday if at all possible.  Daytime receptions (over by 5:00 p.m.) are even cheaper.
• Decorations - Do it yourself or assign this to a creative / artistic friend.  You'll want ambient decor, table decorations, and perhaps decorations for your gift tables etc.  Look on the web or on Pinterest for ideas.
• Linens - These may be included with the venue but if not rent them (search for this on Google)...our experience is that the work to launder and press them afterward is NOT WORTH IT.  If you have a choice of table sizes get large ones because the cost to rent linens will be lower with fewer large cloths than more small cloths.  You can also rent chair covers.
• Food / Drink - To really save money here make your own food and get friends to take turns serving and working in the kitchen (many venues require you to use their caterer so make sure your venue allows you to do your own).  There are websites where you can find recipes for large groups.  Here's an example.  You want something that is relatively simple to make and is in the comfort food category (exotic is expensive and often offensive for many guests--go for tried and true).  For our last wedding our daughter wanted soups, salad, bread, and peach cobbler with ice cream.  I researched and tried out (make the recipe in advance) several recipes and then took several days off-work before the wedding to cook it all.  We borrowed several slow-cookers and food-warmers to keep the soups hot.  The biggest complications were transporting all the sloshy soups and then keeping the cold things cold and the hot things hot.
• Alcohol - This can be the single largest expense in many weddings.  My advice is to skip it altogether.  We come from a culture that doesn't drink alcoholic beverages so we simply don't offer it.  If you come from a culture that expects it and you choose to offer it you can save a lot of money by limiting the kinds of drinks available (e.g. only beer and wine).
• Invitations - Prices for printed invitations vary with different printers so shop around.  Start early developing a count from both families of the number of invitations they will want to send out.  All our children designed their own invitations and simply provided it to the printer in PDF format for printing.  Postage can be a significant cost so we sort out local invitation and deliver them ourselves.  There's also a trend among couples to use social media (Facebook etc.) or simply email to invite many of their immediate friends.

• Wedding cake - Shop around and get this done professionally (too much room for error if a cake flops at the last minute).  BTW, butter-cream frosting is much less expensive than fondant and in-my-humble-opinion looks better (it definitely tastes better).
• Music - Part of our family's tradition is to dance at our wedding receptions.  However, instead of hiring a DJ or a band we have usually put together a play-list on our mp3 player and played it over the PA system at the venue.  If you delegate coming up with the music list be sure to have that people get a lot of input from the couple getting married.  Music is just as much a part of the ambiance as flowers or decorations.  For our last wedding the bride set up a play-list in Spotify and we simply turned that on when the time came.  Usually connecting with the venue's PA system is as simple as hooking your phone or mp3 player to the system with a male to male mini-plug patch cord, but test it out in advance.
• Thank you notes - Our girls have used a wedding picture to have post-cards printed that they could write on and use as thank-you notes after the wedding.
• Pick your splurges - People have different priorities and concerns.  It may be wise to have the couple pick one or two things that are important enough to them to splurge on.   For one of our daughters it was the dress (hers was in the higher end of the range I listed) and the photography (we hired a professional for the wedding day).

These specific ideas are some of the ones we have used within our cultural situation.  Your traditions may make much or most of this irrelevant.  However, certain principles are universal:

• Set a budget that keeps you from going into debt
• Make as much of it as possible a do-it-yourself project
• Recruit your friends and neighbors - in the case of a wedding "it takes a village"
• Make it fun and creative
• Be flexible and patient - don't let the stresses harm your relationships

Weddings are such a wonderful thing -- don't spoil them by wasting money or going in to debt.  Get creative and make marvelous memories!